Fat Fat Fat. Cut-Off = Butt Off.

That's how I feel today.   That's why I hate pictures, as instrumental as they are.  I saw a handful of myself at last weekend's expo and am so grossed out, embarrassed.  Blech.  

Today, I loathe myself, I feel disgusting, I feel alone because I'm the "decision maker" in this household called my body and I feel like I'll be alone for the rest of my life if I fail at this....again.

The few days out of the month that cause a hunger beast to evolve are so unfair.  It already feels like an uphill battle, and then Mrs. Hyde steps in,"Feeeeeeed me Seymour!".

 

I'm not as hungry lately due to better quality foods and better eating schedules/cut-off times, but the cravings attack like a sucker punch.

Oh, and the snippets in my e-mail/Facebook feed such as the following:

36 Mind-Blowing Breakfast Burritos in LA (breakfast is my kryptonite)

The Essential Guide to Late Night Dining in Los Angeles, Spring 2015

 

These dark emotions mixed with literary temptations sway me in both directions of the eating pendulum, but I'm sticking to the "cut-off" intake time.  The dietician always told me, "Just stick with it, and it will happen, that's a fact".  I need to believe this.

CUT OFF = BUTT OFF, lol.

 

First Signs of Adversity

I'm apprehensive and it's to be expected (by me) - it's my m.o.  Even though I'm up front and speak my mind I lean towards being a "runner" in fight-or-flight situations.  I feel embarrassed by that, by myself.  I have accustomed myself to a feeling of failure and disappointment (It's an Asian thing...like an Asian "F"), and am working on balancing that out with positivity, meditation, "self-help"ish material, etc.  I was actually gifted time to learn TM (Transcendental Meditation) and it has been instrumental in stress relief.

Sensitivity to results is heightened, and due to a conscious hyper-awareness I'm seeking feedback of all sorts.  The good, the bad, and the ugly.  I'm mentally preparing for the failure...read as feedback/information... so that I don't spiral into a binging period.  To be perfectly honest, I'm a stress eater.  In stressful situations, I will put anything into my mouth that's within arm's reach.  It's a hot mess!  Think of Hungry Hungry Hippo.

Some things come out of left field.  I have learned to stop, assess, reflect, meditate, and breathe when going over a scenario before coming to a conclusion which will lead to a solution.  (That's the nice way of saying I won't lose my sh*t due to being uber cranky)  I absolutely need a solution or I feel stuck, panicky, the anxious version of "hangry"...how about "hanxious"?
 
About 2 weeks ago, an acquaintance at church approached me and stated, "Oh, Olive, you look like you're getting bigger.  Your arms look bigger.  Are you gaining weight?".  I know she wasn't trying to upset me, but it sure came at the wrong time.  I explained that I had been working out/lifting weights and that they're just getting more fit, muscular.  But seriously, what woman wants to be told that their arms OF ALL THINGS look bigger?!?  NONE.  **Tip for men who ever think of telling a woman that: DON'T.  It may be appropriate (MAY BE) if they're training for some sort of physique competition, but in all other cases....just don't.**   This comment coming from another woman.  It's like going against woman-code.

THAT threw me off for the rest of the day and it sent my brain simultaneously into opposite directions.  I wanted to diet even harder just to get this show on the road and wanted to stuff my face with a jalapeno & cheese bagel (with low fat cream cheese of course ... facepalm).

Stress = eating

I wonder if Electroconvulsive Therapy is still an option...

Pathological Dieter Coming Clean

Synopsis: I have been a chronic dieter for 25 years (give or take)  I don't understand thin, skinny, trim as the last time these words were applicable, yet not understood, was around 1985.  I'll be 40 this year and have a team of people behind me pushing me to get into better shape....a smaller shape, lol. 

I've attempted several diets but it was Lindora, forced upon me in my teens as my parents found my chubbiness unsightly, that kick started the unhealthy eating roller coaster.  No poo pooing on Lindora, I was the wrong candidate for the program, mainly because it wasn't my decision and I went unwillingly.

This was during the dark ages of diet foods, foods that tasted not of this earth, like they were done wrong...on purpose.  Protein bars, shakes, powdered eggs...MREs were works of art compared to these soilent green pellets.  I'm pretty sure the ingredients included failure and disappointment.

After over two decades of being overweight, 6 years of paralysis, 5 years of type 1/2 diabetes (insulin-dependent) and about three years of close work with Restorative Excercise specialists, I figured this was the time.  I have a team of supporters willing to help track progress, and guess what?

I'm willing.

In fact I'm excited for the sole fact that the people with the science of positive results are the ones who inspired the idea of a team approach.  I love group projects and social experiments.  So this blog will be dedicated to the emotional roller coaster, the results (all of them), the data, and the victories during this journey.

All comments, words of encouragement, suggestions, recipes,  articles, ideas are welcome!   I love you guys and I finally love me.